I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
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Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
The photographer’s assistant
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I’m giving up for Lent.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
What if the weather talks about us?
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”