I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
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Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite