My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
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thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.