[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
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Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
(more comics:
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.