his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
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About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.