this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
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5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.