You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
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Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Harsh but fair
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one