The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
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I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”