Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
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Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken