My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
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“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…