Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
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I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here