Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
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Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?