“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
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#MeanwhileinCanada
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Birds & Planes.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
live, laugh, laundry.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Feels like the fourth month in January
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.