The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
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Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
*seductively corrects your posture*
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.