I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
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Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Good advice.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good