“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
You Might Also Like
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”