Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
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Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.