If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
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Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone