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Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
yea so i messed up lol
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep