The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
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People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.