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[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once