19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
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*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
dogs can find happiness so easily
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.