I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
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3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page