It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
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Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.