Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
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New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
I feel like one of these would kill a European
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I found your tweet-up…
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My good tweets are in my other pants.