The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
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Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.