My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
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You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
our love story in four pictures
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
me hooking up with my ex
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?