Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
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*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
So we got a goldfish…
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*