Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
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Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries