Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
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If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.