The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
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In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.