Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
You Might Also Like
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!