Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
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her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
my mom making me talk to relatives
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.