Broom by every window for quick escape.
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G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober