1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer