Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
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It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
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Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?