Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
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Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no