60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
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[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”