Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
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you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
*frowns in Scottish*
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.