People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
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I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Not all heroes wear capes.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Only a mother’s love …
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP