I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
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love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
spicy snake
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
plums roundup
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.