Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
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day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
A Short Story.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.