Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
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I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I’m not lazy
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure