Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
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While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
is this a threat
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.