velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
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My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
That de-escalated quickly
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy