Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
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“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting