My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
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ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
somebody come look at this
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table