Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
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I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Another interesting #factupdates post!
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
What
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”