there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
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Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
You’re like if “nope” was a person.