*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
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Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
happy friday
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.